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Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes Kindle Edition
“A must-read for anyone committed to justice and building an inclusive world.”—LaTosha Brown, organizer, strategist, and co-founder of Black Voters Matter
The definitive book on defiance, a clear-eyed dissection of the forces that silence us, featuring groundbreaking research and legendary stories alongside everyday examples and strategies for how to unleash the power of a “True No.”
Why is it so hard to stand up to authority, even when we know something’s wrong?
Many of us comply much more than we realize. How many times have you wanted to object, disagree, or opt out of something but ended up swallowing your words, shaking your head, and just going along? Analyzing cases ranging from corporate corruption and sexual abuse to everyday acquiescence at work, the doctor’s office, and in our personal lives, award-winning organizational psychologist Dr. Sunita Sah delves deep into why the pressure to comply is a corrosive and often invisible force in our society.
With her own revelatory research, she radically transforms our idea of defiance from a misunderstood negative trait into a crucial, positive force for personal and societal change. Taking us through her five stages of defiance, Dr. Sah equips readers with simple tools to make decisions that align with their values. Defy is the essential playbook for how to speak up and act when it matters most.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherOne World
- Publication dateJanuary 14, 2025
- File size5.1 MB
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From the Publisher
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“A powerful book. If you’ve ever compromised your principles to please others, Defy will give you the will—and skill—to stand up for yourself.”—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again
“Dr. Sah is leading the charge on the science of compliance and defiance. Defy changes our understanding about true consent and true dissent, a real yes and a real no. . . . A must-read for all.”—Dr. Robert B. Cialdini, New York Times bestselling author of Influence
“Dr. Sunita Sah shows us that defiance isn’t just for protests; it’s just as vital at the kitchen table. Even though I’m someone who is dedicated to challenging the system, Defy showed me how often I let others’ beliefs eclipse my own . . . Defy is a must-read for anyone committed to justice and building an inclusive world.”—LaTosha Brown, organizer, strategist, and co-founder of Black Voters Matter
“Dr. Sah’s Defy is the answer we need for all those regret-filled moments when we stay silent and close our eyes.”—Dr. Mona Hanna, author of What the Eyes Don’t See
“We navigate the world by choosing what we will or will not accept but Dr. Sunita Sah is delivering, for the first time, the science behind those choices . . . From your best yes to your truest no, Defy helps us handle these decisions with integrity, compassion, and candor.”—Annie Duke, bestselling author of Quit
“Firmly grounded in the latest science, Defy will surely become a culture-shifting manifesto for all of us ‘moral mavericks’ who hope to use conscientious resistance to make the world a better place.”—Jonah Berger, bestselling author of Contagious
“Dr. Sah’s work on how we can learn to conscientiously defy is a must-read for any parent, woman, or professional.”—Tina Payne Bryson, New York Times bestselling co-author of The Whole-Brain Child
“Defy answers one of the most pressing questions raised by the pandemic, protests, and the presidential election: why do people behave in ways that ignore science, oppose equity, and undercut their own self-interest? . . . It’s an engaging explanation of why defiance is the exception and obedience is the rule in all of our lives while also providing concrete strategies to recognize and transform our responses.”—Kerry Ann Rockquemore, founder of the National Center for Faculty Development & Diversity
“Dr. Sah’s Defy is an important, timely book written by an expert who has studied and lived the central questions in her book: when should you speak up, and how do you empower people at home, work, and play to speak up when staying silent is the easier option?”—Adam Alter, New York Times bestselling author of Irresistible
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Wired to Comply
In 2012, when the Summer Olympic Games were held in London, I was eager to see the flame pass by on its way to the stadium and the opening ceremonies. On the day of the processional, I arranged to meet my husband on a street corner a short walk away from our apartment, with our then five-year-old son in tow. I had in mind a pleasant afternoon stroll, followed by an exciting glimpse of the torch, held aloft by one of the athletes.
“This will be fun,” I told my son, who didn’t look convinced. “You’re going to witness history!”
Although the walk started well, within a few minutes it became apparent that getting all the way there would be a struggle. The day was hot and he was tired. Before our apartment building was even out of sight, his heels were dragging. A few minutes after that, he asked to be carried. When I refused—he was too heavy—he sat down firmly on the pavement.
“I don’t want to go,” he told me, his large brown eyes squinting in the sun.
I explained that the Olympics were special. I told him that seeing the famous flame in our neighborhood was a “once-in-a-lifetime experience.” But he was unmoved.
“I don’t want to see it,” he answered, jutting his chin out. “I want to go home.”
I pulled on his arm. I asked him firmly. I even tried to pick him up. But I couldn’t get more than a few steps down the stifling, crowded pavement before setting him back down again. I was frazzled, hot, and frustrated. We were going to miss the flame.
“Why can’t you be good?” I said to my son as we walked home.
My son’s only answer was a mulish shrug.
We never saw the flame. I watched it on television later that evening, and my husband laughed when I related the episode to him.
“You sound just like one of those people,” he said. “Remember them?”
I did. Soon after my son was born, I had been frequently puzzled by a question well-meaning acquaintances would ask:
Is he good?
What they meant was: Does your baby sleep when you want him to? Does he stop crying when you want him to?
In other words, does he do what you want him to do? Does he do what he’s told?
As someone fascinated by defiance, this moral equation of obedience to goodness always perplexed me. I had spent years questioning and resisting it—not only as an academic, but as a child of a strict upbringing. I sometimes joked that I studied defiance because my childhood had already given me a world-class education in how to be obedient.
And yet that London afternoon found me standing in the hot sun, pleading with my stubborn son to be “good”—to do what I wanted him to do.
That’s what kept me up that night, long after the opening ceremonies were over and the rest of my family was asleep. I should have known better—should have known that I had just repeated to him the most basic, unexamined equation that people had impressed on me growing up:
Compliance = good.
Defiance = bad.
From a young age, we are taught to obey.
The first authority figure we routinely encounter is a caregiver, usually a parent, someone whose job it is to nourish us and help us survive, and whose instructions must be followed. Later, teachers often step into the picture, instructing their students not only how to read and do simple arithmetic, but also how to follow the social protocols of the classroom: sit still, raise your hand. Then—as anyone who has attended middle school knows—there is the considerable pressure from our peers to do things the way everyone else is doing them.
This early training has a large effect on us: psychologically, socially, and even neurologically. When we are young, our brains grow at unprecedented rates, forming neural connections and structures that will affect how we behave for years to come. Obedience isn’t just a survival technique; it affects our writing and quite literally shapes our brains. When we are rewarded for compliant behavior, our brain’s level of dopamine—the neural transmitter that facilitates our experience of pleasure, among other things—rises. If we consistently repeat those behaviors, we build and strengthen neural pathways for compliance. Unrewarded, disobedient behavior doesn’t give our brains the same dopamine rush, and as a result, those behaviors are less likely to be repeated, and those pathways weaken or fail to develop.
We also learn many behaviors through imitation of our parents and caregivers, of our teachers and other authority figures, and of our peers. Psychologically, the value of belonging to a group—mirroring behaviors, attitudes, and actions—becomes apparent before most of us are out of kindergarten, and it continues to shape our behavior as we grow older and enter the community at large.
Compliance is baked into our customs, our laws, and even the way we talk to one another. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Civil society is largely based on the expectation of compliance. From speed limits to smoking bans, municipal zoning regulations to workplace codes of conduct, ours is a world that runs on compliance.
For any society to thrive, some level of compliance is necessary—it allows us to cooperate with each other. Governments, formal institutions, and laws may allow us to live in harmony despite our differences. Codes of compliance and obedience help us work together.
But unwavering compliance can also have devastating consequences: for individuals, who can lose their sense of autonomy, independence, and self; for governments, which can devolve into paranoid authoritarianism and persecute their citizens, perpetuating inequalities, poverty, and injustice; and for humanity in general, which requires a fine balance between freedom and limitations. A society without any compliance is anarchy; a society with total compliance is fascism.
The lessons many of us learned as children are extremely powerful, and they extend far beyond our individual lives. Compliance = good, defiance = bad doesn’t just keep children in line. It shapes the world we live in: our laws, our workplaces, our homes.
It also shapes us as individuals. Our training in compliance affects what our brains look like. It affects our wiring. It affects how we think.
So what happens when we want to think differently? When we need to?
I’ve spent much of my life working to answer these questions—not just for the field of psychology, but for myself.
Growing Up Good
When I was a child, my father told me that my name Sunita in Sanskrit means “good.” The Dictionary of Sanskrit Names says Sunita represents “she who has good conduct or behavior.”
Although I have spent decades studying why people defy, I was known for being an obedient daughter and student. I did as I was told. I got up when I was told to. I had my hair cut the way my parents insisted. I was what schoolchildren in Yorkshire, England, called “swotty”—preferring my books to other pursuits—but as much as I enjoyed mastering my subjects, and the praise I received for being “good,” I always wanted to know the reason why others had an easier time resisting the authority of our teachers, parents, and peers than I did.
I grew up in the heart of the post-industrial north of England in the 1980s. Our small three-bedroom house was crowded: with people, with love, and sometimes with friction. Money was tight, and since we had no extended family nearby, we often felt isolated. My parents must have felt the pressure the most. My mother was dealing with four children on her own every day, all while learning a new language and culture. My dad, who’d earned his PhD in metallurgy, the science and technology of metals and alloys, worked as a lecturer at the University of Bradford—a job for which he was overqualified, underappreciated, and certainly underpaid.
Now that I am an academic myself, I sometimes think about him in those early years: a short man in thin wire-rimmed glasses, his cheeks pitted by smallpox scars, his brown suit jacket barely visible beneath the grey raincoat he wore every day to work. I can see him walking confidently through the halls of a university where very few people looked like him, and where he would have to take indignities with a smile and swallow his hurt. The courage that took, the determination—it inspires me now.
But when I was a child, my father mostly shaped me to be quiet.
In many ways, my father was a traditional one. He was the voice of authority in our household. He worked all day and expected order, quiet, and peace at home. He often seemed exhausted and stressed not only by his workplace but also by the weight of his responsibilities, by the strain of supporting a family of six in an unfamiliar country. My three older siblings and I mostly tried to stay out of his way, and when dad told us what to do, we obeyed.
My dad was strict, and sometimes I felt his rules were too harsh—he once pulled me out of bed in the middle of the night to practice my flute because I hadn’t spent the mandatory thirty minutes that day playing through my scales.
Product details
- ASIN : B0D1QB4H8M
- Publisher : One World (January 14, 2025)
- Publication date : January 14, 2025
- Language : English
- File size : 5.1 MB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 361 pages
- Best Sellers Rank: #82,081 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #63 in Social Psychology & Interactions
- #85 in Self-Esteem Self-Help
- #155 in Medical Social Psychology & Interactions
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
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Dr. Sunita Sah is an award-winning professor at Cornell University and an expert in organizational psychology. She leads groundbreaking research on influence, authority, compliance, and defiance. A trained physician, she practiced medicine in the United Kingdom and worked as a management consultant for the pharmaceutical industry. She currently teaches executives, leaders, and students in healthcare and business. Dr. Sah is a sought-after international speaker and consultant, advisor to government agencies, and former Commissioner of the National Commission on Forensic Science. Her multidisciplinary research and analyses have been widely published in leading academic journals and media entities including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Harvard Business Review, and Scientific American.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book insightful, informative, and meaningful. They describe it as an enjoyable and essential read that will change their perspective. Readers appreciate the well-written content and helpful Reader's Guide and Notes sections.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book insightful, informative, and meaningful. They say it's a crucial guide that examines the decision-making process through engaging storytelling and real-world examples. The author, Dr. Sunita Sah, eloquently pieces together personal accounts, public news stories, and scientific research. The book is described as empowering, eye-opening, and life-changing.
"...her own personal experiences, Dr. Sah has created a definitive and crucial guide for anyone who wants to stand up for what they believe is right in..." Read more
"...the decision-making process through engaging storytelling and real-world examples that paint a vivid picture of how we think and are influenced by..." Read more
"...Her methods are incredibly useful. I recently encountered a proposal that required a reflexive yes, which made me uneasy...." Read more
"A helpful book and a gripping read! Prof. Sunita Sah engagingly blends excellent research with her and others' lived experience." Read more
Customers find the book an enjoyable and gripping read that changes their perspective. They describe it as a must-read this year and beyond.
"A helpful book and a gripping read! Prof. Sunita Sah engagingly blends excellent research with her and others' lived experience." Read more
"...A fascinating must read for all!" Read more
"...This book is beautifully written and brilliant. Thank you, Dr. Sah, for this incredible gift! 💡✨..." Read more
"Loved reading this book! As a mother of teenagers this book gave me a different prospective of how to view their behavior...." Read more
Customers find the book well-written and helpful. They appreciate the Reader's Guide and author conversation sections.
"...Reading Defy feels like diving into a well-written book on negotiations: we know we must negotiate effectively, yet achieving success is difficult..." Read more
"...Also in the "Reader's Guide" section, the conversation with the author is VERY helpful; and, certainly, the "Notes" are very helpful for anyone..." Read more
"Defy is a very well written, powerful and important book...." Read more
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2025DEFY couldn't come at a better time. Based on compelling scientific research and real-world examples, Dr. Sunita Sah masterfully unpacks why we often stay silent or compliant when our inner voice is shouting at us to do otherwise.
The book transforms defiance from a negative trait into an essential skill that we can develop and refine—providing practical tools to align our actions with our values. From dissecting the actions of well-known rebels to everyday instances of compliance and her own personal experiences, Dr. Sah has created a definitive and crucial guide for anyone who wants to stand up for what they believe is right in today's conflicted world.
Too often we acquiesce to bad advice, inappropriate behavior, and unreasonable requests in our lives, so to help kick start an overdue rebellion, I am wholeheartedly recommending this book. It will certainly change how you think and feel about speaking up.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2025Through a series of powerful stories, Dr. Sunita Sah has created a thought provoking work that should be required reading for all.
Defy is a masterclass on the workings of the human mind. It examines the decision-making process through engaging storytelling and real-world examples that paint a vivid picture of how we think and are influenced by people, environments and societal norms. Dr. Sah's great sense of storytelling engages from the beginning and weaves in examples across the spectrum from obedience to defiance. It makes the reader question, in a good way, their own values and actions and to consider how to stand up for what they believe is just.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 4, 2025How often do we say “yes” when we really mean “I’m not sure”—or even “no”? When interacting with others at work, in our families, or with professionals, we constantly navigate expectations, judgments, and pressures. We often feel compelled to comply with those, even when they conflict with our values or intentions.
In Defy, Dr. Sunita Sah argues that our agreements should be acts of consent, not compliance. She does not see defiance as an offense to relationships but as an assertion of self-respect—the choice to live according to our values, “even when faced with pressure to do otherwise.”
This reminds me of Albert Camus’ concept of lucid rebellion—a refusal to submit unthinkingly to imposed structures, not out of nihilism, but because of a commitment to engage with life fully and ethically. Defy presents a similar concept but does so in very practical terms. It offers a roadmap for managing our interactions with as much clarity, autonomy, and self-respect as possible. Dr. Sah draws from her expertise in behavioral science and medicine to translate defiance into concrete strategies that ensure when we say yes, we genuinely mean it.
Her methods are incredibly useful. I recently encountered a proposal that required a reflexive yes, which made me uneasy. Inspired by Dr. Sah’s approaches, I paused and identified what was troubling me. There were key implications I didn’t fully grasp—I didn’t completely understand what I was about to commit to. As the book recommends, I expressed my concerns and suspended my consent. In response, my partner provided additional details, allowing me to move forward confidently and at peace.
Reading Defy feels like diving into a well-written book on negotiations: we know we must negotiate effectively, yet achieving success is difficult without good advice, encouragement, and practical tips.
This book contributes to a healthy, well-functioning culture—one where we don’t default to passive compliance or reckless defiance but instead engage with a spirit of constructive defiance.
- Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2025A helpful book and a gripping read! Prof. Sunita Sah engagingly blends excellent research with her and others' lived experience.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 15, 2025This book balances and integrates academic research from the interdisciplinary fields of behavioral science with important cases to help people learn how to not-comply and, instead, defy the situations that people regularly encounter (many are discussed in the book) where compliance can be (extremely) costly.
The author's extra-ordinary backgrounds (plural) as a leading researcher, professor, and medical doctor (and parent and sometimes-medical-patient, among many other roles) also come through -- sensibly and helpfully -- in the book.
The Appendix of the book is extremely succinct and helpful as a "how to" guide for navigating situations related to giving/not-giving too much of one's self to others' interests.
Also in the "Reader's Guide" section, the conversation with the author is VERY helpful; and, certainly, the "Notes" are very helpful for anyone involved in learning more (e.g., for potential further-research).
In fact, reading the book in reverse might align well with some people's approach to learning.
I can see why this book has made many "Book of the Year" lists and I anticipate that it will (and should) be integrated into many college and university syllabi as well as well as other kinds of professional development programs.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2025In Defy, the author, Dr. Sunita Sah, eloquently pieces together from personal accounts, public news stories and research, including her own, to demonstrate our tendency to comply and how we can defy. The author allows for one's own introspection to consider how one might behave, what choice one might have made in various situations. Defy engages the reader to be an active participant in the story of the book and leaves one feeling more empowered. A fascinating must read for all!
- Reviewed in the United States on January 19, 2025Defy is a timely transformative book especially for anyone who has gone along, stayed quiet, or been stifled by expectations to avoid rocking the boat or saying no. Through research and real world stories, Dr. Sah makes the case to redefine defiance and disagreement in a new light. She provides a how-to guide to shift both thinking and actions with compassion and courage. I highly recommend.
Top reviews from other countries
- HyunReviewed in Canada on January 28, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars I think I will make this a must read for my children
I wish I have read this book in my youth. The principles she teaches in this book can prevent big and small abuses we face in everyday lives, help us find our true value and live it.
Also, she is so good at giving everyday examples we see in our own lives! This is not a typical psychology book that takes awhile for you to turn each page. It's a fun, relatable, and insightful read. I was able to connect very easily with what she was saying.
HyunI think I will make this a must read for my children
Reviewed in Canada on January 28, 2025
Also, she is so good at giving everyday examples we see in our own lives! This is not a typical psychology book that takes awhile for you to turn each page. It's a fun, relatable, and insightful read. I was able to connect very easily with what she was saying.
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